Lies We Believe about Forgiveness Series

How do I answer an apology?

How often have we heard or said, ‘It’s okay’ in response to ‘I’m sorry’! Let’s look at that objectively a moment. Is it okay that they hurt you, in word or deed? Is it acceptable that they stomped on your feelings? No. No, it is not okay. It is very much not okay.

Whatever the person did, big or small, it is NOT okay that they did it. It might be that everything is okay between him/her and me, but that does not make what they did ok. So, let’s stop saying ‘it’s ok’ in response to an apology or request for forgiveness.

How do we respond to ‘I’m sorry’, then? Here’s how to open the conversation

No worries: I like the southern hemisphere saying ‘no worries’ if it is something that is easily passed over: the person didn’t see me as the door swung shut for example. This does not significantly alter our relationship, so need not worry over it. This acknowledges the apology and moves on.

I appreciate your apology: Here we are acknowledging that a person has apologized; but it doesn’t say that everything is smooth in the relationship. This is likely the introduction to more information we have to give about the issue.

I hear you: This apology coveys a good bit of hurt and perhaps skepticism, you hear but are still processing. This phrase leaves some space between me and the offender/apologizer.

I accept your apology: Accepting an apology says that you have heard them and believe the person is sincere; it signals that you desire to move forward in the relationship.

Thank you: This is a polite way to acknowledge the apology, especially if they have noted that they hurt you and are sorry. This opens the door for more discussion.

I forgive you: This phrase hears and accepts the apology and moves toward healing of what was hurt.

What comes next is up to you

From these opening phrases, it is important then to establish what is needed next. This may mean that you are ready to move forward, but it may mean that you need more time to process and heal first. If you are still angry and in the heat of the moment or emotional over the current conversation, feel free to walk away so that no more damage is done.

If you are not ready to say anything more, then ask for time. I need more time to process this before I am ready to see you. Or you can say, ‘I am not ready to continue this conversation right now, can I call you a few days?’ There is no need to feel pressured into continuing the conversation if you are not ready, are not thinking straight (that would be me – still seeing red!), or are still smarting from the hurt. Give yourself time.

If you have heard the apology but it feels like the offender is going through the motions rather than really acknowledging your hurt, you might continue with, ‘I’m not sure you understand how it hurt me’ or something similar. From here, it is your choice to open up and be vulnerable or to wait for a response and see if they share something more of what was behind the apology.

Maybe you are ready to move on, especially if you have forgiven the offender. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the relationship is the same as it was. The person’s actions and/or words have damaged the trust between you. Even moving on doesn’t mean moving forward. It may mean going back over old ground, going slow, seeing each other less, or checking in more often in the case of work projects. You might say something like, ‘This has broken my trust in you, we need to slowly build that back up,’ and then outline what you need or want to move on.

All things are forgivable

No, it is not okay that this happened. But with God all things are forgivable. I know we find a lot of things so painful that they seem unforgivable, but Jesus exhorts us to forgive not 7 times but 70 times 7 (Matthew 18:21-22). He came to earth on a mission to spill his blood so that total and complete forgiveness was available to us all. The reuniting with God through Christ that he offers is the only way to being whole, finding what is missing or filling the emptiness in us.

Christ has forgiven us for all, for anything at all that we have done that was wrong. He is ready to help us heal and learn to forgive. Once we understand how he forgave us, we find it easier to forgive others. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the offense, it doesn’t say that things are all better, it releases us from the pain and starts the healing process in us.

If this article has made you realize you might need some guidance about forgiveness, be sure to check out my book Alive Again: Find Healing in Forgiveness. The book is a practical guide and Bible study in one, including God’s forgiveness for us, defining forgiveness, recognizing unforgiveness, a discussion of reconciliation and steps to keep your sanity in broken and mending relationships.

The Alive Again Course Bundle is now available! Leave past hurts behind and move forward. Sign up today.